JACO JORDAAN

It’s the little things that make Sexpo memorable – like the Do Not Disturb signs on bathroom stall doors, the rocking pink-and-green trailer parked outside to promote vibrating golf clubs inspired by Tiger Woods, and the giant mountable penis in the middle of the stalls.

Perdeby defied our Calvinistic upbringing and braved the annual Adult Sexuality, Health and Lifestyle Expo held at the Gallagher Convention Centre in Midrand from 30 September to 3 October. So did a lot of folks, from barely legal to barely breathing. It was mostly rather vanilla-looking straight couples strolling through the spacious, well-organised exhibition rooms and I didn’t see any of the sex maniacs my mother had warned me about (maybe they only come out at night).

The expo maintained a good gender balance with guests being greeted by just as many bare-chested hunks in tiny white shorts as babes in bikinis, all wearing adorable sailor caps. There was also a “Penissaurus” and a “Tittisaurus” wandering around, looking like characters from an episode of Barney and Friends guest-written by Freud.

Naturally, there was a wide variety of merchandise on sale to fulfil one’s desires, unconscious or otherwise. Those not ready to commit to a full-body sex doll could purchase a model with just the business parts, mysteriously called “Secret Passages”. On the other hand, if you found the bright array of dildos too impersonal, you could invest in a “Stud Butler” with a decorative plastic head and chest attached to the functional hardware. For the more adventurous, there was the “Dongky”, whose maker apparently saw George Clooney’s character build a hilariously frightening penis machine for his wife in Burn After Reading, and thought to himself, “Hey, this might actually sell.”

There was no shortage of porn, of course, including proudly South African titles such as ‘n Pomp in elke dorp, inspired by Steve Hofmeyr’s peregrinations, and Amor: ‘n Bok vir sports. You could even meet real-life porn stars so nice you’d almost feel comfortable introducing them to your mother. For those of whom the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, there were at least a dozen miracle cures on offer. Durex presented workshops on topics ranging from sensual massage to wearing the correct bra.

The Sexpo stage showcased world-renowned artists, such as Miss Pole UK, Tracey Simmonds, whose rock-hard body and gymnastic performance made many a jaw drop. Other entertainment included the “Live your fantasy” headsets which allowed you to listen to a bad actor talking about his “throbbing meat”. The 3D erotic art exhibition definitely ventured into the uncanny valley – it wasn’t just the portraits’ eyes following you around the room.

In the Lollipop Lounge, a milk-white bare-breasted dancer was having her way with the pole to the beat of Beyonce’s Single Ladies. Two dancers came up to Perdeby to keep us company / try and persuade us to pay R100 for a table dance. The younger one (let’s call her M), threw back her head and shook her sizeable breasts (barely contained in a skimpy black brassiere) to the music, in what appeared to be an intimidating territorial display. They liked Sexpo because they could drink for free, although M was already drunk by noon and worried that her one pole trick – hanging upside-down by her legs – would flop. We wished her the best of luck.

Sexpo’s unapologetic and often humorous approach to sexuality will surely offend those who insist on viewing sex as something shameful, but for everyone else, it creates a fun and relaxed atmosphere in which to explore the raunchier side of life.

 

Perdeby spoke with Pricasso, the Australian who was at Sexpo for the fourth time to paint portraits with his penis (for R300).

How did you discover your unique ability?

I just thought about it one day on the toilet. There was this silver slash bag and I decided to draw a smiley face on it. It worked.

Is there a specific technique to it?

You’ve got to be quick; otherwise people just think you’re a wanker. Luckily I am quick. I’ve always been an artist; it just took me a while to discover this art form.

You’ve painted portraits of various high-profile political figures, including Robert Mugabe. Do you enjoy painting pricks?

[Laughs] Yes, I like painting politicians. I like to concentrate on the funny side of things.

 

Perdebyhad the pleasure of meeting award-winning porn star Kirstin Price. You can see a lot more of her at www.wickedpictures.com

Where are you from?

Originally, I’m from Boston, Massachusetts, but I’m staying in Los Angeles.

What brings you to Sexpo?

I’m here to meet the fans and give out autographs. We’re here to promote the Wicked brand in South Africa.

Apart from having a gorgeous body, what makes a good porn star?

Someone who loves what they are doing, who is comfortable in their own body, who loves having sex. We are there to enhance people’s sex lives; we are teachers as well as entertainers.

Do you have a sex tip for our readers?

Be comfortable with yourself. Just be you.

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